“This is where I learned to love being asexual.”
Back of a crosswalk light outside of Filter Coffee shop in the Hillcrest neighborhood of San Diego, California
Sexuality is a tricky thing. One I’ve grappled with for a while. It took a while for me to come to terms with being queer, but even after that, it took a long time to come to terms with being asexual. It is something that has put a LOT of strain on my romantic relationships.
See, its not that I’m not attracted to people. I am. I just don’t want to fuck them. And for a long time, this made me feel incredibly broken, as sex is a natural and healthy part of many, if not most, relationships. So why did I not like it?
What was super frustrating was that, I knew I didn’t like sex. It didn’t do anything for me, and was often painful both physically and mentally. I would try and be sexual for the sake of my relationship, but you can only end in tears so many times from your partner trying to touch you before it really wears both of you down. Compound that with the fact that I DO like plenty of physical and romantic contact, but I would often shy away from this because it was seen as ‘foreplay’ and I didn’t want it to lead to anything more.
I started wondering if I could have a normal healthy relationship. When I was with someone, I felt broken, because I felt like I should be sexual. If I wasn’t with someone I felt calm. I would try and talk this through with some friends but many would tell me this wasn’t ‘normal’ and would try and convince me to ‘fix’ it. I was pressured to see doctors, shrinks, go on medication. I was given plenty of graphic advice on how to masturbate and what toys to use in order to ‘find’ my sexuality. But everyone seemed to ignore the fact that I was comfortable not having sex. I didn’t want to be sexual. I didn’t feel I needed to be ‘fixed’. The only reason it was really an issue for me was because of relationships with people who were sexual.
Luckily, I have a few awesome friends. There are two in particular, and over several long and intense conversations over the span of several months in this very coffee shop I began to not only come to terms with being asexual, but learned to embrace it. To love it. I began to fully understand the ideas of radical consent in terms of any physical contact in relationships. That my sexuality and what I was comfortable with can be fluid and change. That what might be OK one day, might not be OK the next, and there is nothing wrong with that.
But most of all, I was able to really understand that it was possible to have a healthy, loving, non-sexual, romantic relationship. I am now currently in a relationship with one of those two friends mentioned above. Let me tell you, the asex is great.